I'm writing what I feel.

I think I'm depressed. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I have no idea where the fuck I'm going for. I feel worthless and pointless and full of flaws, inside and out. I'm scared. I'm really really really scared.

High school and Ellen Page 1-25-10

I recently had another dream about Ellen Page, a friend Kate, and I. I was in a large high school wandering around. I got lost. Ryan called me. Asking me where I was. He said he was worried about me. I hadn't answered any of his texts because I was so lost in the school. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he declined saying he only wanted to check in with me. I ended up sitting with Ellen Page and Kate in the cafeteria. We had been socially rejected of course and then we ended up sitting in the back corner. In a moment of rebellion I chose to make a high pitch screaming noise which Ellen Page used for a beat and sang to while Kate used the table as drums. After we finished, everyone applauded and Ellen Page screamed with joy.

The locked door 1-26-10

In this dream that I also had very vivid moments. I remember only fragments at this point. I remember looking for Ryan. I carried a blanket with me everywhere. I held it to my chest trying to get a hold of Ryan. Eventually I wound up in the Grand Ave area walking out of a door where I saw him. We were almost in front of some fort of mall or coffee shop. I tried walking closer to him and every time I got close I tried to hug him. He wouldn't let me hug him, he kept backing up. I asked him why he wouldn't hug me and he explained that I needed to ask to hug him. "Every time?" I asked, and he nodded his head with a stern look. Eventually we wound up on the floor of my room with drawings on our hands. All I could see was out hands with little faces on them singing to each each other. I remember strange lyrics such as "If you want to see love, look in a book" it reminded me of a something from an anime. As the song played I heard my name being called by my 5 year old sister. I didn't reply. The song slowly tapered off and I still heard my name being called. I saw that beneath mt door I could see Morgan's little white sparkling shoes as she yelled for me. I awoke from that dream yelling her name.

Sigh

The list of what I use to be, isn't too far off from what I feel like now. And I'm not sure what my self worth is and this isn't me spilling my guts. I'm just using that metaphorical scalpel to cut from my chin down to my navel. The scarred navel, the scarred groin, the scarred torso that holds so much of me. Unraveling inside of me is this fear. A fear I haven't seen or felt in years. It's like all these different yarn stings rolled into one and then just tightening and moving inside of me. It's when I'm around everyone or anyone else that I feel that sickening almost-cotton-like feeling and it twirls around at the back of my teeth. I become so afraid of what I am or what I'm doing. Because I have no idea what any of it means. I mean, with my headphones in I don't have to hear you. I don't have to think about you because all I feel is the bass that reminds me of a heart beat and it reminds me of being a child with my head on my mother's chest as she would pet me and keep me warm on nights like this where I'm pulling the covers tighter and tighter yet somehow it just feels like it's getting colder. As long as we're honest, I'm fucking terrified. When I look in the mirror I see what no one else could see because they aren't me. How am I suppose to know what's real and what's not when the whole world is inside of my head? When I look in the mirror, I see this thing. This thing that has been sewn together has been glued together from bits and pieces of what...I think.. is a past. All this ink in my skin and disgusting scars on my body inside and out that resemble who I was once. I can cross my arms any way I want but at the end of the night it's my body I touch wishing it was someone else, thinking that I deserve someone else. Hoping that...there is someone else out there. But all I can do is breathe. 1. 2. 3.... it is what it is. Wanna hear a fuckin joke? Tell God your plans. Because God, has it in for you. God is working his little magic around you day and night testing you. Pulling strings from behind that back drop and laughing at your every decision. And I? I can't keep doing this. I can't keep convincing myself that these things are happening. I can't keep telling myself that he's outside my door and he's raising his fist to knock. So when I come running to my room and peel my clothes off my montage of a body, and I sink into myself in my boxer briefs, I'll choose to kiss my bear good night and not give into another urge to puke over what I planned on happening that didn't.

Between the crazies and the sheets

Stomach pains and all, I'm not sure what to really do. My heart has pounded far too fast for me to be comfortable, and my eyes bat from side to side while I wonder what will happen to me. I keep throwing myself into this alternate universe. This universe where anything is possible. I like to think that perhaps my knight in shining armor will find his way to my room one of these nights and he'll knock on that door. I'll run to it excited or slowly. As I open the door he will swoop me up and carry onto his white stead and off into the sunset we go! But in reality, when does that happen? When are my thoughts about boys and men just crazy?

Alone.

For the first time in my life, I felt alone because of my sexuality.

Dreams

So I might as well just say it like it is.
I really like him.
I have no idea why but that isn't what brings me here tonight. What brings me here are the crazy dreams I've had the past couple of nights. Or days.
I'm not too sure whats going on in my mind and I don't know how to talk about it. I wish I knew someone that knew a lot about dreams and symbolism and shit. I had 2 dreams.

1st:
He invited me over to his really really nice and big house to watch baseball and cuddle, it was really exciting. We got to his room and there was this really overweight man in his bed that was really harry and shit. I looked at him waiting for an explanation but He just gave me a pillow and made me sit on the floor. I remember feeling weird and sad almost. Hmm.

2nd: This one is the most recent.
One of my friends invited me to a movie at a really nice and ritzy high tech movie theater almost like the omni theater. Anyways, she invited the same guy from my first dream and he showed up a little late but he sat next to me. We left soon after and we held hands. He was riving and he had a very small car. He turned around while driving and I pulled his face close to mine and I kissed him on the cheek. I then moved to kiss him on the lips but he acted strangely and pulled away almost. He kissed me on the forehead multiple times though. I woke up and felt very very happy.

I wish I knew what any of that meant.

I really like him and I hope I hang out with him soon.

=)